booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I'm always down for nudity.
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