the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
