If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.