Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.