i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
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Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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