I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
