you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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