apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
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Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
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