I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
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I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
What a dumb baby whore.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
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When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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