True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This baby is an asshole
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
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