i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
it glows. i had to have it.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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