3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
What a fucking waste of an outfit
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
