just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
