I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
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Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
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Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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