His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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