I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I just want to make out with him forever
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
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