This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
