The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
