I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
