I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
