Just fell off a train. Bad.
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
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Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
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DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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