I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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