I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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