Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
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