So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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