i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
it's great music for shaving your balls
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
