I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.