If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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