My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?