Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
