I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
