i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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