Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?