I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.