just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.