people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.