Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
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She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
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Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.