On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
