I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
