Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
