i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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