I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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