I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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