My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Randomize
