Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
