I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
