I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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