After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
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