Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
You can't motorboat a personality
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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