i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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