mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list