I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?