I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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