I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
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I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
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Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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